M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
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When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
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Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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