Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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