I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
