My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
one two three fourrrrnication!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
