You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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