hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
