Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
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