"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
