im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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