I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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