I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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