you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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