The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
