So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
so let's talk penis.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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