I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
