this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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