I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
two words: eviction party
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
