Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
