just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I didn't notice because vodka
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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