how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
