Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
