it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Never underestimate the power of titties
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
