I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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