brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
