defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
