I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
