I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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