Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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