I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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