I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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