Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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