Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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