Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
