Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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