Already got asked if we're dating
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
how drunk are you?
Several
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
