Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize
