only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
