Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
