Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
