It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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