You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
