the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
