my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize