I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
