we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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