Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
