So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
