Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
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It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
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Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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