New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
