Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I want to make a zoo with you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
