I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
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he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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