im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
