i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
