just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
