i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
