just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
