My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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