I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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