i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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