I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
And then my night got REAL pukey
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
