I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
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His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
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Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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