my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
