no, he came in my armpit
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
